Dear Little One

Dear Little One,

Pregnant. The test confirmed you were in my belly as the word  popped on the screen. I couldn't believe it. Tears of joy and shock flowed down my face. Praise the Lord!

Mommy and Daddy fell in love with you the second we found out. I told Big Brother that he was expecting a little sibling but I think he was more excited to be taken out of his crib after a long night's sleep. We praised God for you and prayed for you. No matter what you'd be a perfect gift from God.

From the time I found out you were growing in me, I dreamed what you would look like. I imagined the things you and Big Brother would do together. I loved the idea of a family of four. So tiny and precious and you already captured my thoughts. I would look at my belly and be in awe at the work God was doing in me. What a miracle. 

Thank you Laura Ryan Photography for capturing
me and my angel baby.

One day, my belly started to hurt and I started to bleed. I thought it was normal because it happened with Big Brother. But it grew and my belly pains didn't go away. I called the nurse who told me to go the hospital. I prayed and prayed. Daddy prayed. We didn't want to lose you, our precious baby. 

It was a long time at the hospital. With lots of tests and waiting.  I waited a long time to find out that you were leaving me. The first thing I thought was, you get to dance with Jesus now. Your safe. But my heart hurt. I wanted you to be with me, to come meet Daddy and Big Brother.

I had to go to the doctor again to make sure there were no complications and that in fact you went to be with Jesus. Another long wait but only one test to take. This would give me an answer. Waiting gave me a sense of hope. Women get their periods during pregnancy, maybe I am one of them. There could be a miracle baby in me. After what seemed like forever the doctor came in and apologized for the long wait. The doctor was nice and pleasant but he said, "I'm sorry but you are miscarrying...". My heart sunk but a sense of relief came that there were no complications with losing you.

I felt peace knowing that you were with Jesus now. If not me to take care of you, who better than Jesus? You are in the best hands ever. Although, I still miss you. I still long to have you in my belly. I still cry for you. I questioned why. Why couldn't I have you? Why couldn't I deliver you? Why are you gone? Why? In the end, I don't need an answer.  God knows. He knows my heart, He knows His plan for my life and yours. He wanted you to be with Him.

But my precious Little One, thank you. Just like your Big Brother, you've brought me closer to Jesus. In my weakness you brought me to my source of strength, the Lord. Children are a blessing from the Lord and you and Big Brother have blessed me so much. No matter how short of time you were with me, you're in my heart and I look forward to meeting you. I imagine Jesus introducing you to me and I feel such joy. I love you Little One.

See you someday, love you always

Your Mommy